Effing Dykes Gifts: What Lies Beneath (Her Nails) | Autostraddle
5th June of 2024

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Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is a queer lady web log which is hilarious and wise and a little raunchy and
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via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I Have got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…




Get pal. Everyone got the friend? Great. Hold on tight towards friend’s hand.

‘Cause it is a real tale.


Not So Long Ago, when I ended up being therefore recently homosexual I Did Not know I Happened To Be newly homosexual…

An asian women seeking older lesbian within now-defunct queer bar called


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself totally simply there to boogie)

provided me with some information:


Never ever start a joint bank checking account together with your enthusiast


You shouldn’t fake orgasms


Ensure a woman’s nails are clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in her late 40’s, a generation so far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i possibly couldn’t actually picture exactly what it should be want to be therefore ancient.

via petitlapin

How unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Right here she’s at a bar and she is outdated. I am hoping I do not become lonely like her.

Is not it enjoyable to-be the middle of your own personal world?

Just what a little shit I became.

via diaghram

For whatever reason, however, we walked away from


that night duplicating her three policies to myself.

Whenever I woke up, I was thinking ones.

It was kind of like when you look at the Silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to consider The Signs.

Don’t behave like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

In any event! through the years, I always remembered the three life classes the lesbian had trained me personally. The woman information made feeling.

I never ever launched a shared checking account with anybody.

I never ever faked sexual climaxes once again following the first couple of occasions i did so it, realizing I found myself, in reality, dooming myself personally to a perpetual pattern of shitty sex by worthwhile bad performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I usually privately checked a woman’s nails before I slept together.

via diaphram

Brief? Check.

No scratchy sides? Check Always.

Clean? It Really Is search time.

But precisely why, sluts?

What is the big issue about nails?

What is with all the current short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. It is harder to fuck with long fingernails. You can perhaps puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is maybe not difficult. I had lengthy nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all those things hard — you only make sure to make use of the pads of fingers.

So just why had been that lesbian thus emphatic about clean fingernails?

All of you, she had been


I made a decision to do some debunking.

Surely nothing could actually happen to you any time you got banged by someone with filthy fingernails.

via lesbiansftw

Then I remembered a story very awful I’d virtually overlooked it.


via dirtyknife

Terrible shit can happen.

This terror story relates to you courtesy of my good-looking buddy ”


,” having seen a lot more vagina in heating than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.



was at Miami whenever she found an extremely hot femme we’ll contact



smelled like sugar cookies baking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had massive silver hoops that shimmered inside light, also had one of several greatest asses


had actually seen.

She secretly texted me a photo of


from the swimming pool so she could boast, and I also texted back,

“i might strike that till my personal hand dropped off.”

via hellogirls

So, yes,





house that night. There were some significant ingesting.

While getting undressed


when you look at the half-light,


saw anything she hadn’t truly observed before:

Katie had cool fingernails.



had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


cannot stop the mental image of these fingernails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


, very animalistic gender commenced.


actually leave


fuck the girl, though she typically never allows anyone accomplish that. Precisely what the hell, she realized. Heading residence tomorrow. Never see this woman again. I can get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees

Some thing ended up being wrong with



Really, really completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was actually oozing from this. And when we say some What i’m saying is extortionate. quantities. of. pus.


would not visit the lady-doctor.

Because getting supportive is really what friendship is focused on, when she said, we mentioned,

“So you at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”


chuckled nervously. She moved home, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, undoubtedly have gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time ever

(she was 28),

to your queer-friendly community gyno center.

They did not know what had been completely wrong together.

They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.


was a student in some pain. She needed answers. She was indeed placing the




for nearly monthly now.

So they gave this lady an ultrasound.


Genital rips. Throughout the inside of the woman vag.

Many tears.


was basically ripped to shreds. The woman insides happened to be hanging in ribbons. Looked like crepe-paper birthday ornaments within.

And everything – every last inch – was actually infected.

It would look that after Katie made use of her fantastic very long nails giving


an energetic drunk-fuck, no person knew that her fingernails had been in addition a festering breeding ground for

bacterial vaginosis




states being a stone-cold very top since.

My personal companion wikipedia states you may get nasty problems from dirty fingernails. It seems that, you will find often staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, which could trigger any such thing from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

they are pinworms

That sensible lesbian was spot-on with her existence classes.

Never ever start a joint bank checking account together with your lover.

Never ever fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of god, check a unique secret’s fingernails before screwing.

by crystal gwyn

Or perhaps you tend to be destined to experience the fate of Cai.


I Need To wonder, however…

Have any of y’all ever gotten anything nasty from another girl’s hands?

Or observed someone who did?

Or is this largely

(‘cept for Cai)

a lesbian urban myth?

My personal fingers are inching towards the travel-sized Purell container.

Now I need answers.

Before going!

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